I’m sitting on the bus on my way to school…I’m a little sick this morning, but I suppose I’m luckier than some right? I’m trying hard not to cry—I mean it’s public transportation after all & the bus is rather small. I feel that of late I’ve disappointed God with my life choices, my behavior & manner, my attitude…my life. Sometimes I feel so unclean and struggle to reconcile myself with with him because I believe I don’t deserve grace. I feel so alone, and above all inexplicably dirty. Dirty because because what my soul wants isn’t want my body does. Why do I keep sinning? Is my heart not connected to his heart? I know I lack will power. I know I’m weak in prayer. I don’t remember the last time I fasted—maybe a two years ago or longer. I say I’m not ashamed of him but why have I never told the friends who are in most need of him the name of Jesus. Yes I’m ashamed of him. I don’t want to be, I love him—wait, do I love him or the things he does? Do I love him or am I just scared to go to hell? I need to love him for him. I can’t love him because of my general health or education, housing, food etc. I feel empty, I want, need, crave strength…in him. It’s so easy on tumblr to write well written soliloquies and make grand declarations but in truth I’m spiritually mute. I might as well be physically mute, because if I can’t tell others of the love of Jesus what serves my tongues’ purpose? Maybe I’m off tangent, maybe this post doesn’t make sense, but I can’t go further I’ve hit a wall. God I need to know my purpose. I ask you to use me but I’m scared out of my mind when an opportunity comes for me to serve you. I just don’t know anymore. Clarification, direction, & guidance much needed!
